From my years in investment banking, I recall that when management wanted people out without the expense of a severance package, they deployed a method they called self-selection. Basically, they made the staff they wanted out, want out themselves by ensuring a working life so unpleasant that the employee would resign.
They did this in several ways. One was to micromanage and criticize every action and effort made by the staffer. Another was deliberate harassment activity such as inviting the staffer into a manager’s office for a meeting and having a stack of resumes on the desk for that staffer’s position staring him in the face. Another was to dis-include him in decision-making about his team and area of responsibility and present “faits accomplis” instead.
The point was to make him feel unwanted, unvalued, and only visible when criticism time came around. Typically, the reason a wanted staffer became an unwanted staffer was because of a management turnover and lack of chemistry with the new boss, not because of changes in employee performance level or enterprise strategy. What was wanted by management was for the employee to leave, thinking he was incompatible with the new regime. No severance. No lawsuits. Clean break.
I have wondered how to apply this effective “self-selection” process (without the cruelty inherent in the financial services approach) to dating online to save the time involved in responding to people with whom I have nothing in common and in whom I have no interest. I have made several efforts, one of which is to establish and post metric ranges that are acceptable to me, including IQ, net worth and income, BMI, height (as I am tall and like to wear heels on occasion), educational credentials, type of profession, and travel experience, as well as some personal preferences on leisure activities (no Harleys, no hoarding, no Fox News, limited TV sports watching).
I tested it for a while and found that viewers were offended, but rather than just swiping left, they wanted to discuss how arrogant and obnoxious my criteria were and that no one would measure up to them. (In fact, my husband did, only failing me on the BMI in later years, which contributed to his early death and the reason I added this criterion to the list.) In frustration, I asked my experienced single friends to review my list. They, too, told me it was too extensive and to cut it back and change the tone.
I listened, and cut it way back in the essay section of the dating website, trying to make it more playful and less specific:
“If you’ve gotten this far without dropping out, these would be pluses:
You are good-looking
You are articulate and witty
You have read a lot, thought a lot, done a lot and had an interesting life to date. And you still are doing many of those.
You are a great lover in many different moods and an empathetic listener with wise advice
You make me laugh
You are an engaging but make-me-want-to-leave-the-event-to-be-alone-with-you, Plus One
You are versatile. You know your way around a wine list and menus, and how to specify custom tailoring, but are comfortable in the backwoods or on horseback
A sometime chauffeur (I like to drive myself too)
A sometime chef and barman, who enjoys entertaining friends and family at home. (I am getting tired of making my own martinis.)
Have an interesting family circle and friends who are engaging and warm, but not needy, and open to same on my side
Like dogs
You have general knowledge and ability to repair homes, appliances, cars and do it cheerfully
You have a really well-tailored blazer and lots of white Sea Island cotton custom shirts (and don’t mind if I borrow the latter now and then)
Enjoy planning things to take together and anticipating them, but I also like spontaneity
You have my back when I need support as I would have yours
You have the potential to be my soulmate and are looking for an LTR”
What happened, you might ask?
I am back to trying to put off Harley-driving, fish-holding, ungroomed facial-hair-sporting, overweight, short, poorly educated MAGA men who may have only left the Texas hinterlands once in their lives to see the Dallas Cowboys play at their home stadium.
It is time for me to do some self-selecting of my own: I am self-selecting off of dating websites for the foreseeable future.